i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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