proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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