I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
