OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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