24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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