My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
