i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
cat food counts as protein by the way
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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