wrigley field is MILF paradise
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
My breath smells like gin and sadness
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
