I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
