i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize