Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
40s are totally the cure
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
