you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
