Is it normal to miss your booty call?
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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