You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
