Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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