he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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