Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
