Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
