I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
