R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
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