Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
