piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
