new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
