I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
