How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
