Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
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