It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
ttyl tear gas
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
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