when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
