bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
