Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
