the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
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