I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
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