I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Randomize
