i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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