If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
