recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
