I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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