I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Randomize
