Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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