i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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