please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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