Pregnant stripper...not hot.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
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