my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I need to calm my uterus...
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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