apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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