bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
you are never too drunk for berry picking
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
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