i think my mom watched the whole time
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
