Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
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