Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Randomize