please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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