I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
