Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
