I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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