I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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