I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize