I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
