The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize