The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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